List of things I Ash Ketchum am not allowed to do
by Ultraman Nexus
Summary: The first fic of "Thing's I am not supposed to do" in Pokemon. Ash and his Pokemon make up a list of things they should never do, to keep their along with other's sanity.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon.

List of things I Ash Ketchum, or any of my Pokemon are not allowed to do.

1. I am not allowed to make Mewtwo devolve my opponent's Pokemon in the middle of battle for my amusement.

Ash was now in Sinnoh and was taking the Elite Four challenge. Currently he had Mewtwo in battle against Cynthia's Garchomp. But then he came up with a ridiculous idea.

"Mewtwo, use Devolution Beam!" he commanded.

Mewtwo blasted Garchomp with a white ray that devolved him from a savage landshark into a cute little Gible!

Cynthia had one word to say and it was written all over her face. "WTF!"

"Now, return!" Mewtwo went back to Ash's side. "Go, Charizard!"

"Oh come on, that isn't even fair!" yelled Cynthia as Charizard toasted Gabite who feebly tried to defend himself.

2. I will not have Mewtwo hypnotize Jessie into eating Meowth.

"All right twerp, this we-huh? Uhhhhhh," said Jessie as she was being hypnotized.

"Uhh, Jessie?" said Meowth. "Are you okay, you don't look-GWAAW!"

Suddenly Jessie bit Meowth on the head and started chewing on him!

"AHHHHHHHHHH! GEROF! GEROF! GEROF!" screamed Meowth who shook Jessie off his head and started running away from Jessie who chased after him like a drunken cavewomen.

3.I will not show Kingler the "Little Mermaid".

"Hey Kingler, are you alright?" asked Ash seeing his crustacean Pokemon looking disturbed.

"That movie was sick and wrong," muttered Kingler.

4. I will not use Glalie as a soccer ball no matter how much fun it is.

"Pikachu, here catch!" yelled Ash kicking a very dizzy Glalie towards his yellow Pokemon.

"I'm gonna be sick!" yelled Glalie.

5. I will not sniff Bulbasaur's bulb to get high.

"Guys...you need to try this, it's pretty badass," slurred Ash with a moronic look on his face.

"Damn, that's gotta be some pretty good shit he's on," said Squirtle.

6. I will not claim it is opposite day.

"Ash! It's so great to see you-what on earth!" Misty yelled once she saw what Ash was wearing, or to be more accurate _wasn't_ wearing.

He had no clothes on at all and didn't seem the slightest bit ashamed. Besides him were his Pokemon who _were_ wearing clothes.

Pikachu was wearing Ash's hat along with his Kanto and Johto clothes that had been miniaturized so he could fit in them.

Mewtwo was wearing a detective's outfit with a brown coat, Charizard was dressed like a modern day rock guitarist, Squirtle was wearing the clothes of a rapper, Gallade was dressed like Harry Potter and Sceptile was dressed like Clint Eastwood in one of his western films!

"Ash! Are you aware of the fact that you have no clothes on!" screamed Misty completely freaked out.

"Ketchum! Ash! Ket ket Ash ke Ash ketch Ash!" he replied.

7. I will not pretend to die just to hear my Pokemon freak out.

Pikachu let out a yawn as he woke from his sleep. "Morning Ash," he said as he stretched.

He turned his eyes over to his trainer and saw that he was covered from head to toe in his own blood.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! ASH IS DEAD! OH MY ARCEUS, OH MY ARCEUS! WHAT DO I DO, WHAT DO I DO!!!!!!!! he panicked frantically.

"Boo!" Ash suddenly yelled getting up. "Hah! Fooled yah, didn't I Pikachu? You really thought I was dead, didn't you? ….........................................uh, Pikachu why are you looking at me like that?

8. I will not tell Mewtwo the real reason he was kicked out of Brawl.

"It doesn't make any sense! Why did they choose Lucario over me?" said Mewtwo angrily.

"Simple really, cause your Frieza and Lucario's Goku," said Ash.

".............................I'm being voiced by Dan Green, Ash," said Mewtwo.

9. I will not videotape my Pokemon making idiot's out of themselves and put it on Youtube.

"Oi! Somebody uploaded a video last night during that part!" yelled Squirtle.

"Holy freaking Arceus, is that Sceptile humping Bayleef?" said Pikachu.

"He must have been really smashed last night," muttered Charizard.

"Let's see who uploaded this," said Squirtle. "Hmm, assketchup? Who could that be?"

10. I will not let my Pokemon drink alcohol and have a party unsupervised.

"Ah man, what did I do last night?" groaned Charizard who was suffering a bad hangover.

"Huh? Who's there?" said a voice from behind.

Charizard turned around and saw that the person next to him in bed was Harrison's Blaziken!!!

"..............AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAMN YOU SQUIRTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon.

List of things I Ash Ketchum, or any of my Pokemon are not allowed to do.

11.I am not allowed to call May a jailbait right in her face.

"May, there's something I have to tell you," said Ash with a nervous face.

"Really, what is it?" asked May blushing.

"There's something I've been wanting to say to you for a while, and now I think I can finally say it," said Ash.

_'He's going to confess!'_ thought May gleefully.

"May, I think your one of the blatant piece of jailbait to ever have graced a children's tv show," said Ash bluntly.

"Oh Ash, I love you to-HUH?!"

-

12.I will not kick Paul in the nuts.

"Hey Paul, guess what I just learned?" asked Ash.

"Enlighten me. AAAGGGGH!!!"

"Sometimes it's better to just kick your rivals in the crotch than to fight each other in Pokemon battles.

-

13.I will not tell Officer Jenny what everyone really thinks about her.

"Officer Jenny, there's no other way to say this, so I'll be perfectly honest with you. You are the most inept, incompetent, and possibly corrupt sorry excuse of a police officer the world has ever seen and propably got all your training from a Sherlock Holmes book!"

-

14.I will not threaten Team Rocket.

"Prepare for trouble, make it dou-"

"ENOUGH! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" screamed Ash. "IF YOU GUYS DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE FOR GOOD, I'LL HAVE MY POKEMON RAPE YOU ALL IN THE ASS AND THEN CUT YOU ALL UP AND FEED YOU TO MY SNORLAX!!!!!!"

Needless to say, Ash never saw Team Rocket again.

-

15.I will not show Brock a gay porno magazine.

"Here you go Brock, happy Birthday!"

"Thanks Ash, oh whoa! A Pokeboy magazine! Thanks-HOLY FREAKING CRAP! THIS IS A POKEGAL MAGAZINE!"

"Happy early April's fools day!"

-

16.I will not sick a team of legendaries on Paul, no matter how much I want to do so.

"Torterra, Ursaring, stand by for battle!" yelled Paul sending out Torterra.

"Mewtwo, Deoxys, I choose you!" yelled Ash sending out his two uber Pokemon.

And you can guess what happened after that.

-

17.I will not tell Charizard how his kind can get Belly Drum.

"I just don't get it, how come some of those Charizard's in the valley can use Belly Drum and I can't? They wouldn't even tell me how they learned it!" yelled Charizard feeling frusterated.

"They probably were too ashamed," said Ash.

"What do you mean?" asked Charizard.

"Well you see, since for the most part there are more male Charizard's than female, trainers have them mate like rabbits with Ditto's until a couple of dozen eggs or so later they get a female Charmander. Then they force it to mate with a ridicolously large Snorlax that knows Belly Drum and following another egg hatch pluse evolution, you get a Bellyzard! Pretty weird, huh Charizard?

"..........................Must kill.....Snorlax."

-

18.I will not put Pikachu in Ketchupholics Anonymous.

"Hello everyone, my name is Pikachu, and I'm a ketchupholic," said Pikachu downcastingly.

"Hi, Pikachu," said his fellow ketchupaholics.

-

19.I will not leave Pikachu in the daycare with Dawn's Buneary.

"Okay, so you two just play nice now," said Ash as he left Pikachu in a local daycare for the day as did Dawn with her Buneary.

"So, what do you want to do" asked Pikachu.

"I think you know what I want to do," purred Buneary with a lusty look on her face.

"Um Buneary, are you allright? You seem kind of odd, hey wait you can't touch me there! Stop, STOP! ASH HELP! SHE'S GONNA RAPE ME, SOMEBODY HEEEELLLLLLP!!!!!!!!

The next day...

"Ah it's you two!" said the daycare man when the trio came the next day. "We we were raising your Pokemon and my goodness, were we suprised, your Pokemon had an egg!"

"An egg? But how did it get there?" asked Ash.

"We don't know, but your Pokemon had it," said the daycare man. Beside him was Buneary who had victorious grin on her face. Opposite was Pikachu who had a mortified face. "My first time, and it was against my freaking will..."

-

20.I will not tell Jessie that James is gay.

"Jessie, I know you like James and all, but it's extremelly obvious to anyone, even people who don't go on Pokemopolis that James is gay," said Ash.

"I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT!"


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon.

List of things I Ash Ketchum, or any of my Pokemon are not allowed to do.

21.I will not show my Pokemon the tier list on smogon.

"YOU'VE GOT TO BE FREAKING KIDDING ME!" bellowed Charizard. "WHY ON EARTH AREN'T I ON THE OVER-USED LIST?!"

"Ah man, this freaking sucks for Ash, he only has three over-used Pokemon, well four if Monferno evolves," said Pikachu.

"Well, where the hell am I on the list? WHAT?! SWELLOW, SCEPTILE AND EVEN BLAZIKEN ARE HIGHER ON THE TIER LIST THAN ME?! THAT'S BULLSHIT, I SHOULD BE ON EVERYONE'S TEAM!!!

-

22.I am not allowed to let my Pokemon read any of Farla's fics.

"........................................This person has too much time on their hands," said Squirtle.

-

23.I will not pit any of my Pokemon against Clucky and the Log.

"Ash, your not serious, are you?" asked Mewtwo as he surveyed his two so called "opponents". One was a log and the other was the real life chicken.

"Heh, we can take e'm," said Charizard with a smirk. The fire dragon and the psychic cat spent the next week in a Pokemon center recovering from extreme injuries from the insuing battle.

"Dammit," said Charizard. "I must beat...the log!"

"You and me both," said Sasuke.

-

24. CHOCOLATE IS NOT GOOD FOR LUCARIO!!!

"Ahhhhh! My stomach feels like it's on fire!" Lucario yelled clutching his stomach in great pain.

"Well what did you expect, dog's aren't supposed to eat chocolate!" said Ash.

-

25.I will not give the okay to allow a live action Pokemon movie.

"OUR MOVIE SUCKED POKEBALLS!" yelled Squirtle.

"But how? I thought Micheal Bay would do a great job on like he did with Transformers," said Ash.

"Michael Bay? No, we got the guy who directed Dragonball Evolution," said Pikachu.

"AH SHIT!" yelled Ash.

-

26.I will not give Mewtwo catnip.

"Ehehehe, hehehehe! Man, I feel good," slurred Mewtwo grinding on a Gardevoir.

-

27.I will not allow my male Pokemon to peek on female Pokemon in hotsprings.

"THIS IS THE LAST TIME I LISTEN TO ANY OF YOUR IDEAS!" screamed Bulbasaur as he, Charizard, Pikachu, and Squirtle ran for their lives and manhood's from an enrage mob of female Pokemon.

"Well in my defense, there were Lopunny's in there!" yelled Squirtle.

-

28.I will not tell Brock he's destined to die a virgin.

"Brock, just give up, your never going to be layed, especially after 12 seasons," said Ash.

"Ah, why do you have to be so brutally honest?!"

-

29.I will not show my friends the website, Pokemopolis.

"I can't believe this!" yelled May in outrage.

"I like what they say about me," said Charizard.

"This is slander!" said Max.

"But it suprisingly makes sense," said Ash.

"WHAT?! Do you think what they say about me is true?!" demanded May.

"Hmm, let's see," said Ash who placed his hands on May's breasts and started squeezing them. "They definately wouldn't be on a 10 year, maybe a 12, but definately someone 14 or older!"

-

30.I will not ask Celebi to take me back in time on the first day of my journey so I can humiliate Gary.

"So Ash, you made it after all. What loser Pokemon did gramps give you then?" taunted Gary.

Ash merely smirked and threw out the Pokeball. "This guy!"

The ball opened to reveal....a Lugia!"

"Hey Gary, feel like having a battle?" challenged Ash.

Gary had two things to say,"Oh fuck."


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon.

List of things I Ash Ketchum, or any of my Pokemon are not allowed to do.

Poke Rangers do NOT have Megazords.

"Hey Solana, if you don't mind me asking, what's your Megazord like?" asked Ash.

"Mega what? Ash I think you've been watching too much mecha shows," said Solana.

"C'mon, at least tell me what your ranger color is!"

32.I will not take over the world.

"HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Ash maniacally as Paul continued to push a giant log for no reason other than to torture him.

"Work, Paul! Work!"

33.I will not get myself a harem. (and for good reason too)

"RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!! Ash screamed as his angry love harem chased him and his Pokemon.

"I can't believe you were foolish enough to get yourself a harem!" yelled Mewtwo.

"Well, I thought it would go in the Love Hina route!" countered Ash.

"Yeah, except it went the School Days route!" said Pikachu.

"And now it looks like your gonna get a bad ending!" yelled Charizard.

"Quick, I think we can jump towards that nice boat and escape!" yelled Squirtle.

34.I will not go on a anime forum and put in the forbidden post.

Ash smirked and typed in "Pokemon is stronger than Digimon". Hundreds of angry posts followed suit in minutes.

35.I will not do Godfather impersonations.

"Then I said to my Pokemon, for justice, we must go to Ashton Ketchum," said Barry.

Ashton smirked and merely said,"I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse."

The next day Paul awoke with horror to see his Torterra's head right beside him.

36.I will not put in a censor bar to make people think we said a bad word.

"Hey Ash, you finally made it!" said Brock. "Are you ready to 'bleep' Misty?

"Guys can you help me bleep my Pikachu?

"Mewtwo, you have to admit, every Pokemon you fight will end up being 'bleep' by you.

"Meowth is a no good crook who 'bleep' Pokemon for money!"

37.I will not sick a Porygon on Newground.

"Grr, stupid Newground," said Ash after seeing another video on Newgrounds where he and other Pokemon were blown to bits by guns or grenades or other such things.

"Hey wait, my new Porygon can go into Cyperspace, that's it!" 'sends out Porygon' "Porygon, go onto and crash the site!"

Next day...

"In todays new, there was a uproar among the online community as Newgrounds, Myspace, Twitter, Youtube, and all mysteriously were hacked into and deleted...

"WHAT?!"

38. Mewtwo is not Batman!

"Do you know who your talking to here Deoxys?! This is the goddamn Mewtwo!"

39.I will not tell Gary there's no point in trying to catch e'm all.

"So Ash, have many Pokemon have you caught since you've come back from Hoenn?" asked Gary.

"Does it matter anymore, Gary? Everytime I think I've seen them em all, a hundred more pop out in the next region I go to!"

40.I will not use my Action Replay to go through life easy.

"Darn, how am I going to get 8 badges in time for Sinnoh?" said Ash before he realized something.

Oh duh!" he pulled out his action replay and put in his Nintendo DS. "Where's the badge cheat...ah there it is!"


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer:I don't own Pokemon.

And here's a special chapter for one of Ash's Pokemon, namely Charizard!

1.I will not kill wild Pokemon when we're running low on food.

"Hey guys, I found some food for us," said Charizard flying back carrying something.

"Oh that's great, what did you-HUH?!" yelled Ash. In the fire dragon's mouth was a Bidoof's mangled corpse and in his arms were a dead Psyduck and Farfetch'd.

"C'mon, let's eat up."

2.I will not convince Diagla and Palkia to send me back in time during the creation of the first Pokemon game in japan to change my type.

"Ha! Your finished Red! Your Fire starter, Charizard can't possibly beat my Blastoise!" taunted Green. "Hit him with a Hydro Pump!"

Blastoise did just that and Charizard...shook it of with only average damage.

"Huh?" said Green. "Where's the "It's Super Effective" message?!"

"Don't you know? Charizard's part Dragon type," chided Red. "Now attack with Thunder because Dragon Pokemon can use many different element attacks!"

You can see how much Wolverine Publicity Charizard would get if this happened.

3.I will not turn Squirtle into Squirtle Soup.

"Mmm, I wonder why I didn't do this sooner," said Charizard enjoying his Squirtle soup.

"You did remember to have Ash breed Squirtle with a Ditto before you did this, right?" asked Bulbasaur.

".........CRAP!"

4.I will not kick Infernape's ass for taking my place as fully evolved fire starter on Ash's team.

"YOU! 'punch' FREAKING 'whack' DOUCHEBAG! 'pow' I'm Ash's signature fire badass starter! IT'S A STATUS QUO! THAT'S THE REASON CYNDAQUIL NEVER EVOLVED OR WHY ASH NEVER CAUGHT A TORCHIC!"

5.I am not Ash's starter pokemon, no matter how good a choice it would have been.

"Well, if you insist," said Prof Oak uncertainly giving Ash his first Pokemon. It opened to reveal... Charizard!

"Wow, a fully evolved Charmander, that's awesome!" exclaimed Ash.

"What the?! But I was certain there was a Pikachu in there!" said Oak.

In another part of the lab...

"Damn it, I gotta get out of here before Charizard takes my place as mascot of the series," grumbled Pikachu who was tied up in a closet.

6.I will not make my own feature movie.

"All right, everyone, Charizard's gonna star in his own movie...hey how come I'm not in it!" yelled Ash.

7.I will not make quotes from Yugioh the Abridged series.

"Hey wait a minute, did you just send out a bunch of Pokemon in one move?" asked Paul.

"Yeah, so?" asked Ash.

"That's against the rules, isn't it?!" demanded Paul.

"Screw the rules, I have a goddamn Charizard!" yelled Ash.

8.I will not make kick ass one liners before a battle.

"Hello, my name is Charizard and despite the fact I have a terrible type match up against you and have no super effective moves to use against you, I will still inevitably kick your ass with the power from my fanboys."

9.I will not get Dan Green as my voice actor and have him speak human talk when voicing me.

"I'm going to do my laundry, can I have some change?" asked Charizard.

"But you don't even wear clothes," said Ash.

"Could I still have some change?"  
Mewtwo was sulking in a corner and grumbled,"When they recasted the characters, HE got my Dan Green voice actor while I get stuck with Naruto's..."

10.I will remain perfectly calm whenever I hear, read, or come upon the term stealth rock.

This meeting of "We hate Stealth Rock" will not come into order, please rise," said Charizard.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon,

41. I will not point out why you should use Oshawott in Black and White.

"Why are you still using that Oshawott?" asked Trip. "It's not outclassed by it's dream world form, Tepig, Snivy only become truly useful competitively with Dream world abilities and they haven't been released yet."

Ash's own tepig and snivy went into the emo corner while Oshawott looked proudly smug. (I love Oshawott)

I will not kill Cilan and Iris.

"That does it iris," said Ash. "I have had enough with you calling me a kid.

"Whatcha gonna do about it, kid," said Iris.

"Charizard, Blast Burn!" Charizard blasted out a blaze of fire at Iris that melted her body to the bone.

"Ash," said Cilan looking horrified, how could you do such a thing!"

"And you will never replace Brock!"

43.I will not eat Vanillite and it's evolutions.

"Yum, this tastes great," said Ash..

Iris screamed and said,"Ash! That's a Pokemon!"

"Really? Oh well, Charizard showed me sometimes you have to eat Pokemon to understand Pokemon and life.

44.I will not tell N what I think of him.

"N, you have been brainwashed by P.E.T.A, and they are the one Ghetis responds to.

45. I will not tell Team Rocket to turn into comic relief again.

I used to respect you people and now you've turned in competentent villians, what the hell is the matter with you? You even broken the status quo and kicked Meowth off the team! Turn into imcompentent blundering morons!"

46.I will not catch an army of Golurk's to take over the world.

I knew Robots would conquer the world, and here I am, their master and now your masters," Ash said triumphantly to Paul and Trip.

47.I will not use Pikachu for breeding purposes.

"Step up ladies and gentlemen, my beloved Pikachu will help with your breeding immensly, want high ivs in your eggs, my Pikachu have perfect ivs in each of it's stats.

"I'll gut you for this Ash."

48.I will not bench Pikachu.

"Pikachu this hard for me to say, but you've overstayed your welcome. Your going to oaked at the Oak corral.

"Hell no, I'm the only reason people still watch this show!"

49.I will not use legendaries against Tobias.

"Darkrai, I choose you!"

"Arceus I choose you!"

A week later Ash was sleected as Pokemon Master for reasons he did not understand.

50.I will not play an actual Pokemon game.

"Darn it why won't aim for the horn work!"


End file.
